I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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