I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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