i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
