Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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