oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
