you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
