If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
