Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
