My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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