can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
