Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
