Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
