she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
