just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
