thus making me awesome and them whores
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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