The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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