Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
