Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
