I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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