I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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