I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
