I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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