But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
