I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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