Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
