i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
