I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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