I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
