can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
