I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
