you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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