alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
