Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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