I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
