Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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