R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
