turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
