he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
