Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
