What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
