i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
