I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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