It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
