I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
