My cat gives me a boner
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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