I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
