Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
