he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
