Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
