she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
