planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
