i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
