Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
ttyl tear gas
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
