my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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