she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
