This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
