If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Best friends brother. Beat that.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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