The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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