My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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