look no pants
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
